Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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