What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
