He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
