Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
being pregnant is like rehab
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
