my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He keeps bees of course he's weird
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
