I'm lost and stupid without you.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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