God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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