I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
