and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
