My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
