Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
We left the knife in your bed.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
