I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
