you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
