I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
