Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
