i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Is Oprah even human
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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