I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I think weed is turning my hair brown
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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