Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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