Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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