Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
