you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
