tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
you didnt know i had herpes?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
