So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
