Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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