is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
