I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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