We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Randomize
