I hope mine doesn't look like that
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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