it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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