Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
