in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
