I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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