you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I need a beard to bite.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
