Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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