i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
