I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
