Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
