Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
