I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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