I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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