It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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