your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
