my phone needs a breathalizer
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
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