Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
