either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
