I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
