drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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