nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
