i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
