it was like his penis was on wheels.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
What drink are we having for lunch?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
